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Single Minded Moms: Surviving – and Thriving – as a Single Mama
SMW Single Mom’s Parenting Tips & Resources
By Jen Scott Curwood, posted 10/3/2008 at 10:32:13 AM

Whether you're trying to soothe a colicky baby, wrestle with a stubborn toddler, or rationalize with a teenager, you've likely come to this realization: being a mother is hard.

When you first saw those two pink lines on a pregnancy test, you couldn't imagine the ways in which your patience and your strength – not to mention, your sanity – would be tested in the years to come. (Of course, in all fairness, you couldn't imagine the unexpected joy and unconditional love you would experience, either).

For women who are single – whether through choice or by chance – motherhood can pose unique challenges. The U.S. Census Bureau estimates that there are over ten million single moms in the United States today. So even though it may feel like it at times, you're definitely not alone.

Here's how to get through the trenches of single motherhood with your mind (and your sense of humor) intact.

Find a Mama Tribe

Single moms are, by and large, some of the most independent, resourceful, and proud women that you'll ever meet. “But it's okay to admit that you need help and support, too,” says Mikki Morrissette, the author of Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide. “The hardest thing to do is to ask for it.”

Morrissette adds that many single moms don't ask others for help because they mistakenly think that it is a sign of weakness. In reality, that's far from the truth. But don't just turn to friends and family: seek out other single moms for support, too.

Patrice Karst, the author of The Single Mother's Survival Guide, suggests that single moms consider living with others in their same situation. “It's not just about the financial benefits, either,” Karst says. “Living with another single mom can provide so much support and companionship – for you and for your children.”

Take a Break

“You can't be a mom 24/7.” Morrissette, a single parent to two children, knows what she's talking about. “It's so important to have outlets as an adult, and to take time for yourself,” she explains.

Remember: if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy. It's healthy to spend time away from your children – even on a regular basis. By joining a weekly knitting group, meeting a girlfriend for cocktails, or going on a long run, you're essentially recharging your batteries. If you're short on money and can't afford a babysitter, consider swapping childcare with another single mom.

Karst adds that, “It's much healthier for your children to grow up in a happy, calm single parent home than in an unhappy, contentious home with two parents.” And if your happiness means that you need some time away from your children, what other excuse do you need?

Be Honest

Maybe you used a sperm donor. Maybe you went through an unexpected divorce. Or maybe you adopted a child on your own. Regardless of how you became a single mother, it's important to answer your children's questions. From the time that they are young, tell them the story of how your family came to be. In Morrissette's experience, being honest and matter-of-fact with children is crucial. When her children were young, she consciously chose books for them that depicted alternative families, too.

Dr. Leah Klungness, a psychologist and author of The Complete Single Mother, says that divorcing parents need to be especially conscious of what they say around their children – and about each other. “Your children may misinterpret what they overhear, which can create unnecessary fears and anxieties,” she says. Klungness also advises women to resist badmouthing their ex (even if it is deserved); instead, she suggests focusing on his positive traits – especially those that the children share.

Laugh and Love

Above all else, let you children know every day how much you love them, says Karst. It's so easy to get caught up in a routine of working, paying the bills, running errands, and trying to keep the house in order. But somewhere in there, it's critical to spend quality time with your children, too.

It doesn't have to be elaborate: dancing to Madonna songs from the 80s, baking cookies, building a fort, and reading bedtime stories all count. As a single mom “you're either going to be crying or you're going to be laughing,” Karst adds. “Which would you rather have?”

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